First Love

Thank you Pastor Ted Yuke for the inspiration and framework!

My life over the past year or so has been a struggle. A lot of feelings, thoughts and issues to deal with. But my greatest need, my biggest desire has been for God. He became the Love of my life.
His desire for me in all my unworthiness, my failings, my shame and my hurts, made Him very attractive!
He took me with all my brokenness and made me whole, spoke life in dry places, set things right in me. He loved me with an everlasting love. He became closer to me than my husband, or any other human being, ever had! There was an intimacy there that could not be matched.

 "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth. For your love is better than wine."
-Song of Solomon 1:2 NKJV

His love was better than anything else I had tried! He filled the holes in my life, provided for me, brought me peace and joy in times of great pain. God guided me in the way that I should go.

"He brought me to the banqueting house, and His banner over me was love. Sustain me with cakes of raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am lovesick"
-Song of Solomon 2:4-5 NKJV

He took care of my EVERY need, and some wants too! I eventually began to take for granted the "banqueting house" and His "banner". I only wanted Him for what He could do for me. For the good feelings and things He provided for me. I was no longer intimate with Him. I didn't sharing my thoughts and feelings with Him. I just expecting to have the same feelings, even though I didn't spend time with Him.
I'd built a wall and blamed it on Him.

"My Beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. Behold, He stands behind our wall; He is looking through the windows and gazing through the lattice. My Beloved spoke, and said to me: Rise up, my love, my fair one, And come away..."
-Song of Solomon 2:9-10 NKJV

He called for me. I was focused on my feelings and what I didn't get from Him.

"Catch us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vines. For our vines have tender grapes"
-Song of Solomon 2:15 NKJV

I let foxes, sin, creep into my life and spoil the intimacy that God and I had developed. I gave into my selfish desires, thoughts and feelings. I thought, "If He doesn't care about me, then what's the use in trying!" I'd neglected the relationship and was just going through the motions. I'd let sin destroy the fellowship we had.

"I was sound asleep, but in my dreams I was wide awake. Oh, listen! It's the sound of my Lover knocking, calling! 
'Let Me in, dear companion, dearest friend, my dove, consummate lover! I'm soaked with the dampness of the night, drenched with dew, shivering and cold.'
'But I'm in my nightgown—do you expect me to get dressed? I'm bathed and in bed—do you want me to get dirty?'
But my Lover wouldn't take no for an answer, and the longer He knocked, the more excited I became. I got up to open the door to my Lover, sweetly ready to receive him, desiring and expectant as I turned the door handle. But when I opened the door he was gone. My Loved One had tired of waiting and left. And I died inside—oh, I felt so bad! I ran out looking for Him, but He was nowhere to be found. I called into the darkness—but no answer."
-Song of Solomon 5:2-6 The Message

A huge sense of lonliness, loss and emptiness soon became very familiar and very frustrating feelings. I didn't like it. NOT at all.
So what to do?

"One day I went strolling through the orchard, looking for signs of spring, looking for buds about to burst into flower, anticipating readiness, ripeness. Before I knew it my heart was raptured, carried away by lofty thoughts!"
-Song of Solomon 6:11-12 The Message

I went back to my First Love. I looked around at all the ways He was speaking to me, calling me to intimacy with Him. Opened my heart and spoke to Him, like I had before, as if He was physically there with me. Repented of the things I'd allowed to break the fellowship. I renewed my desire for Him, and not for what He does for me.
Now I say with the woman of Solomon's desire,

"Run to me, dear Lover!! Come like a gazelle. Leap like a wild stag on the spice mountains!"
-Song of Solomon 8:14 The Message

Come quickly and with power - I want to share my life with You!